Loving the You That Got You Here
Why Self-Compassion Is Essential for Becoming Your Future Self
When we imagine our future selves, we often picture a person who is more confident, more skilled, more aligned. Someone who makes wise decisions, handles challenges with grace, and lives fully in their values.
But here’s the truth we often forget: the only way to become that version of ourselves is by honoring the versions of us who came before, even the ones we’d rather forget.
Why We Want To Disown Our Past Selves
It’s easy to feel shame when we think about certain parts of our past:
The relationship we stayed in long after it stopped feeling safe or right.
The professional mistake that still makes us cringe.
The opportunities we didn’t take because fear got the best of us.
The times we repeated old patterns we swore we’d outgrown.
We can be quick to judge these past versions as wrong, weak, or less than. But here’s the paradox: the more we fight against our past selves, the more stuck we become.
Shame Keeps Us In the Past
When an old pattern shows up, maybe you freeze during a conflict, avoid speaking up at work, or revert to people-pleasing, self-judgment is like quicksand. Instead of simply noticing and adjusting, we spiral into:
"I thought I was past this. I should be better by now."
That shame response actually keeps us from moving forward. It turns a small bump in the road into a full stop.
The Role of Compassion in Growth
Self-compassion doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or ignoring mistakes. It means acknowledging that every version of us, even the messy ones, was doing the best they could with the tools, awareness, and circumstances they had at the time.
Your past self was gathering experiences, building resilience, and learning what you needed to know to become who you are today. Without them, your future self wouldn’t exist.
Three Ways to Make Peace With Past You
1. Practice “Thank You” Instead of “Why Did I Do That?”
When you think back on a choice that makes you cringe, try replacing judgment with gratitude.
Thank you for showing me what I don’t want.
Thank you for keeping me safe the only way you knew how.
Thank you for helping me build the courage I have today.
This reframes the memory as part of your foundation instead of a flaw in your story.
2. Pause When Old Patterns Show Up
Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, use these steps:
Notice the pattern without labeling it “good” or “bad.”
Name it: “Oh, this is that thing I used to do when I felt insecure.”
Nurture yourself: “It makes sense this is here. I can choose differently now.”
This creates space to act from your current self rather than defaulting to your past self’s strategies.
3. Anchor Into Your Future Self Daily
Think about one small, consistent action your future self would take. It could be:
Keeping your home in a way that feels nourishing.
Honoring your basic needs: meals, rest, hygiene.
Making time for play so productivity doesn’t become a dopamine trap.
When you treat yourself the way you imagine your future self would, you start to become them.
When It’s Hard to Offer Yourself Grace
Sometimes, past wounds or old belief systems make it almost impossible to see our past selves through a compassionate lens. This is where therapy can help untangle the root causes of shame and self-blame. By processing the moments when those patterns began, you can release their hold and step more freely into the person you’re becoming.
The Big Picture
Becoming your future self isn’t about fixing who you’ve been. It’s about carrying every version of yourself forward with compassion, acceptance, and gratitude.
Because when you stop waging war on your past, you free up all that energy to create the future you’ve been dreaming of.
